I’m sure you’re a fantastic lover with a plethora of beautiful skills you’ve honed over the years, but nobody’s perfect! After a rather sulky girl-talk with my bestie, I came up with the concept for this blog post. She’d just had her first date with her new boo…and oh yes, a few blunders couldn’t go missed.

Being an escort allows me to sleep with a variety of men, and I’ve had firsthand experience with some bloomers. After a quick search, I came across this “educational” and still entertaining essay that summarizes the most typical sex-slips. So, here are my personal recommendations on what you should never do in bed if you want to keep your girl happy. (To read the complete article, click on the link at the bottom of this post.)

Her nipples are being treated like Otter Pops.

“Nipple play doesn’t do anything for me. It’s a little of everything. But what truly freaks me out is when a guy stays down there for an extended period of time, like if he’s breastfeeding.” – Gabi (28 years old)

Some men may latch on as aggressively as a parched newborn. It’s not just painfully Oedipal, but it’s also not even pleasant, let alone erotic. Our nips are quite sensitive, varying in intensity throughout the month, so play accordingly. Gentle licking and sucking can be very fantastic, as long as you don’t come across as trying to milk us. And if you’re going to use your hands, skip the pinching. They’re not udders, but breasts. In any event, if your female prefers it tougher, she’ll tell you.

Using the quiet treatment on her

“I once slept with this incredibly hot guy who was fantastic with his hands, but he was as quiet as a log. I just had the impression that he was bored having sex with me, and I couldn’t tell when he was cumming.” – Helen (28),

Sleeping with a sexual mute is akin to attempting to dance without music. If foul words isn’t your thing, a sigh or two will suffice. We want to know that we are gratifying you and that you are still breathing. Women, on average, are far more verbally responsive than males; consider your words and noises to be additional sex movements in your repertory.

a refusal to wear condoms

“Everyone is screwing now that they don’t have condoms. It’s a little frightening. I’m all for casual sex, but not at the risk of catching an STD.” – Jane (27).

If a woman insists on wearing a condom, the most impolite and thoughtless thing you can do is try to talk her out of it. It makes no difference if you “just got tested” or if she’s on the pill. In the bedroom, women have much bigger stakes. We are physiologically more vulnerable to STDs than men, not to mention the chance of pregnancy. Sure, sex is more enjoyable without a condom, but life is more enjoyable without herpes. And, for the time being, don’t try to split the difference and get it in uncooked. Chlamydia, as far as I know, does not follow the five-second rule.

Declaring yourself to be a sex god

“My least favorite thing that males do sexually is spoken a big game before we sleep together… and then fail to deliver. I’m fine with guys of all sexual abilities, but the worst thing you can do is over-promise and under-deliver.” – Corrine (29),

Empty promises are a concerning tendency in male behavior. Women have responded to this change by decreasing their expectations. Do yourself a favor and don’t raise the bar out of pride when we’re doing so out of courtesy. No lady expects to have the finest sex of her life on the first night she sleeps with you. In fact, no girl ever expects the best sex of her life. In fact, remaining humble makes whatever sexual gaffes you make during the act far more acceptable. We already know you’ll lie to us about something considerably more significant later on, so there’s no need to start with how fantastic you are in bed.

“Oil drilling” is a term used to describe the process of extracting oil from the ground

“I despise it when guys get too deep. It doesn’t feel right. Look at my face: I’m not having fun.” – Andrea (26),

Guys, I’m serious. Stop spelunking in our genitalia. The G-spot is about 2 inches into the vagina. We absolutely want more than 2in of you now, but there’s no need for you to high-five a woman’s cervix with your penis. It’s unimpressive, and for some, it’s downright unpleasant. The depth is a matter of personal preference. Give her everything you’ve got, but back off if you think it’s too much for her. Are you unsure? Simply inquire. Keep in mind that there is no gold in there.

omitting foreplay

“Sometimes, guys will just jam it in there, no [foreplay].” I believe some males believe that because a lady is young, she is always ready.'” -Lindsay (25),

While we aren’t asking for an hour-long candlelit hot oil massage, we aren’t saying no to it either. That’s on you, my friend if your girl is pre-menopause and dryer than Southern California. Women, regardless of their age, require more than just wanting you to be aroused. Aside from the fact that foreplay makes the job of obtaining simpler, simply shoving it in will make a woman feel more objectified than wanted. Aside from quickies, that kind of behavior in the bedroom is amateurish at best and selfish at worst. The advantages are mutual unless setting a fire with your dick is your idea of a good time.

Being conceited about your size

“One guy kept telling me to tell him how much I admired his enormous cock. And it wasn’t even that huge. I was perplexed the first few times he inquired, ‘Do you love my enormous cock?’ I believe women told him it was gigantic, but it was more like a medium.” – Josephine (32),

The honest reality is that bigger isn’t necessarily better, but having a big ego is the worst. TRUST that if your penis is deserving, we will praise it on our own. We’ll probably inform all of our pals as well. However, asking us to exalt your member, especially given its size, comes across as quite insecure and a little delusory. The same is true for men who use jumbo condoms when they — ahem — do not need them. I have a B cup. What would I look like in a 38DD bra? Just curious…

Wearing anything — literally anything! — on your feet

“I mean, socks are a timeless item.” – Kelsey (29).

Please remove your socks. But, really, why only your socks? Do you get energized by the cotton/poly combination rubbing against your arches? The issue is unless you’re Bradly Cooper, a naked male in socks is generally not a flattering look. Also, you’ve been wearing those things all day; don’t bring them into bed with you; that’s just gross. Wear safety gear, but not on your feet.

Interrogating us when we’re in the middle of anything

“‘Is this all right?’ ‘Is it all right?’ ‘How about this?’ I understand that they want my permission in case they want to try anything a little more raunchy. But continually seeking validation from me is unappealing and makes me feel insecure.” – Veronica (28),

Women don’t come with a news ticker above their vaginal openings, and having sex with you shouldn’t feel like you’re watching CNN. Communication is essential, but make sure any inquiries you ask are purposeful and specific, especially if you get into strange or fetish terrain. “Is it acceptable if I put it in your buttocks?” is a question worth asking; checking in with her every time you change positions is tedious. Giving her the Spanish Inquisition after she’s agreed to sleep with you would simply make her feel like she shouldn’t have.